Crisis in the 'hood.

So rat-boy was really pissed off when he came home, but then what's new. Well, getting phone calls that our crazy Head-of-Family is missing is kind of new. And upsetting. Not that I really know the guy (besides knowing him enough to hate him), but I can't help hurting somewhere inside--I mean, I'm a part of this family too and he's what's holding us all together. If Akito goes, well...I know a few people who would lose it. Rat-boy, for starters. He acts all emo whenever somebody mentions Akito but I know that he's really nuts about that guy. I saw them together when we were all kids. Attached at the hip, and at the... well, I'm not gonna say anything else. What do I know, right? But yeah, he looked kind of confused when he walked outta here to go look for Akito. Like he was tryin' to decide whether to keep up the whole I hate his guts act or start freakin' out. Shigure was all pale and grim and that was disturbing in itself. Not as much as the fact that I could hear Hatori shouting over the phone.
Stop.
Read that sentence again.
Hatori...shouting....
Yeah. That wasn't a typo. Calm, I-Am-King-of Fix-It Hatori was having some kind of mental breakdown because Akito's been missing for one f-ing day--apparently, in Akito-land that's like a death sentence.
So yeah, things aren't too cheerful in this part of the neighborhood. All the drama in the air is starting to get to me. I think I'll go sleep it off.

Fuck. I don't know what's going on...!!

Yuki Souma the Prince of Kawaiia High and the bane of my existence is always a complete ass and he makes me want to kill him. Lately, he's been even more bitchy though. I don't know why. I just know that he gives me these evil glares all the time like he actually wants me to start something. I had fun ignoring it for a while since I figured he probably didn't think I was capable of doing that, but he is not letting up and I'm finding it hard not to punch him in the face at random times for no reason at all.

We were all watching t.v. tonight and two things happened that I found very disturbing:

1) Yuki was being a bitch to everyone else too, including Shigure, and even Tohru though not as much--he was actually making an effort, at least, to be nice to her. Shigure told him that he needed an emotional outlet and he should keep a journal. Yuki got up from the couch, threw a vase at him (missing him, thankfully; his aim sucks!)--very Akitoish from what I hear--and stormed upstairs, slamming his bedroom door behind him. Me and Shigure and Tohru just sat there for like ten minutes in absolute silence, shocked stupid. Mr. Perfect never did anything like that before and it was really kind of scary to see him lose it like that. I almost pissed myself.

2) After the vase-thing happened, Tohru freaked me out by leaning over and kissing Shigure on the cheek. She kept on asking him if he was okay and telling him that it wasn't his fault. Dog-breath was lapping it up. I was really mad about it, because he probably made her do it somehow--he's sneaky that way--but I didn't say anything because for the second time tonight I had lost my ability to say anything that wasn't just plain dumb.

Right now, Yuki is in his room throwing things and listening to loud, angry music on the radio that I've never heard him listen to before--he usually listens to wimpy girl stuff like Josh Groban. He's talking to himself too, and I think he's going crazy.

Tohru said she's going to bed soon but I can hear her talking to that idiot Shigure, still.

Damn. What is the world coming to?

I've been thinking a lot about Mom lately.

It's not something I like to do because it makes me feel strange inside. All mad and hurting, like I can't get it out and I'm not even sure I want to.

I loved her. And in a place that says it's okay, I know that she loved me too. In spite of what she did, and how she was.

On some level, I believe that things had to turn out the way they did. How could she have stayed, knowing what I was, knowing what was inside of me... and that she brought me into the world. How could she have lived with herself?

But past the pain and the denial and the desperate acceptance, I believe...that I deserve better. Because, I'm me 99% of the time. Not the monster.

I'm... human.

Right?

So... I can only wish to forgive her. Remembering that she didn't love me enough--that comes a lot easier.

But then again, so does hating myself.

Yeah, I know. It's my second time posting today...

Yuki was muttering something about crazy fangirls all through dinner. Which was leeks, by the way. So he should have been happy, because I wasn't. But instead, he was sort of quietly freaking out across the table. His eye was twitching.

He is upstairs opening and closing his bedroom door repeatedly right now.

He is starting to make me nervous.

Questions

Master called last night. We talked for about an hour. For me that's a long time. I was really glad to hear from him. School keeps me really busy these days, and he's usually busy too (instructing at the dojo and advancing his own training) so the phone is all we have lately.

I miss living with him at the dojo, but I'm happier with the seperation than I thought I'd be. Since that night when Tohru accepted me anyway, and Yuki--ratboy, I mean--told me he was tired of running, I've been...strangely content.

He hasn't been any nicer to me. And yet, I feel more at home with him somehow. I keep on looking at him and seeing someone different than I've seen all these years. For so long I thought I knew everything about him. But he proved me wrong and I...almost respect him now. I'm curious, is all. I'm curious about what else he might show me.

I still hate him. And I still look for new ways to make him mad. He makes me mad everyday just by existing! But I don't think it's wrong to ask questions. I'm learning to do that now, with everyone. I think Tohru showed it to me.

She's such an amazing girl, Tohru. If I never see her again after this year is over...If I never see her after...I go there...Well, I'll never forget her.

Never.

Rat-boy's been acting weird.

Come to think of it, he's been acting that way since we got our tests back on Monday. He probably got a 98% instead of 100%. ha ha.
I was really glad when I caught him being sick Tuesday morning, but he was a complete space-case for the rest of the day and I can't stop thinking about it for some reason.
I think maybe I should work harder on getting stronger than him, 'cause I find myself staring at him for long moments without realizing I'm doing it--all that aggressive energy must be getting built up inside.

I wonder why he looks like a girl.

Good week, I guess.

Okay, so I hate this online thing but everybody else is doing it so I thought I'd check it out. Not that I care what people think! Because I definitely don't. I was just curious about what all the hype is about. So...yeah.
Since you're supposed to write all your thoughts 'n shit, I might as well put what happened this week:
I got out of bed ON TIME! Unlike some people I know who always wake up at the last minute and then walk around like the living dead creeping everybody out... Because I go to bed at a decent hour instead of studying until my eyeballs fall out of their sockets, trying to impress everybody by pretending I'm something I'm not. Anyway, back to the point. I was awake on time, and just mindin' my own business, goin' to the bathroom like I do every morning, but...somebody's already in there. I figure it's Tohru gettin' up early to fix everybody breakfast 'cause she's nice like that, but that's early even for her! So I go to knock on the door and then I hear this sound...like...puking.
Okay, that's gross. But that's what I heard. So of course I got all worried and started knocking and saying, "Everything all right in there?" And as soon as the person stops for a breath, I hear them say, "As if I'd tell you." And what do ya know. It's the sissy rat boy in there!
Before I could gloat, he came out and pushed me out of his way. I took a swing at him which he of course blocked. Damn those reflexes of his! He got to his room pretty quick and slammed the door in my face. After that I left him alone. That's the rat's territory. It would just be weird to think about going into his bedroom. For...some reason that I don't know.
Anyhow, catching rat boy hurling makes my week a good one. Proves he's not so perfect after all. He still went to school after that, though... perfect attendence record still. He's inhuman.