Fuck. I don't know what's going on...!!

Yuki Souma the Prince of Kawaiia High and the bane of my existence is always a complete ass and he makes me want to kill him. Lately, he's been even more bitchy though. I don't know why. I just know that he gives me these evil glares all the time like he actually wants me to start something. I had fun ignoring it for a while since I figured he probably didn't think I was capable of doing that, but he is not letting up and I'm finding it hard not to punch him in the face at random times for no reason at all.

We were all watching t.v. tonight and two things happened that I found very disturbing:

1) Yuki was being a bitch to everyone else too, including Shigure, and even Tohru though not as much--he was actually making an effort, at least, to be nice to her. Shigure told him that he needed an emotional outlet and he should keep a journal. Yuki got up from the couch, threw a vase at him (missing him, thankfully; his aim sucks!)--very Akitoish from what I hear--and stormed upstairs, slamming his bedroom door behind him. Me and Shigure and Tohru just sat there for like ten minutes in absolute silence, shocked stupid. Mr. Perfect never did anything like that before and it was really kind of scary to see him lose it like that. I almost pissed myself.

2) After the vase-thing happened, Tohru freaked me out by leaning over and kissing Shigure on the cheek. She kept on asking him if he was okay and telling him that it wasn't his fault. Dog-breath was lapping it up. I was really mad about it, because he probably made her do it somehow--he's sneaky that way--but I didn't say anything because for the second time tonight I had lost my ability to say anything that wasn't just plain dumb.

Right now, Yuki is in his room throwing things and listening to loud, angry music on the radio that I've never heard him listen to before--he usually listens to wimpy girl stuff like Josh Groban. He's talking to himself too, and I think he's going crazy.

Tohru said she's going to bed soon but I can hear her talking to that idiot Shigure, still.

Damn. What is the world coming to?

I've been thinking a lot about Mom lately.

It's not something I like to do because it makes me feel strange inside. All mad and hurting, like I can't get it out and I'm not even sure I want to.

I loved her. And in a place that says it's okay, I know that she loved me too. In spite of what she did, and how she was.

On some level, I believe that things had to turn out the way they did. How could she have stayed, knowing what I was, knowing what was inside of me... and that she brought me into the world. How could she have lived with herself?

But past the pain and the denial and the desperate acceptance, I believe...that I deserve better. Because, I'm me 99% of the time. Not the monster.

I'm... human.

Right?

So... I can only wish to forgive her. Remembering that she didn't love me enough--that comes a lot easier.

But then again, so does hating myself.